and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want her autograph on my taint
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
