Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
