I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
