You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
