did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
