I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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