My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
