I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
