I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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