so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
