I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
