We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
