He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
