all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't put those talents on a resume
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
