so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
