I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
