I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
