Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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