wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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