sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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