someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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