I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
