I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just had sex on a roof
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The air taste purple.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
