A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just found a bag of teeth...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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