getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
