sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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