We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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