just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
