hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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