I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
