You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
