i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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