I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
