her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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