I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
