I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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