Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
