I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
