Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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