I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
