When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
