Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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