I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Drunk is a universal language darling
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