About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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