tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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