Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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