hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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