can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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