I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Green mimosas i think yes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
