i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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