he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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