Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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