3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
