I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Randomize
