He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
