Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
