The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
