The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
