The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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