dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
