we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
