He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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